This is our new series on the Bible, relationships and love. As young adults, relationships, love and marriage are one of the things foremost on our minds. Our culture too, is obsessed with love and relationships. We see it on social media and in entertainment and as we consume more and more of this content, our view of love and relationships and marriages can become shaped more by the world than by God’s Word. This is also because we are so rarely exposed to what Scripture says on this topic in the church. This series hopes to tackle this central area of life for young people. We will engage with a variety of issues that single, dating and married people face under this broad umbrella theme and contrasting it against the world’s secular culture, explore what God’s Word has to say.
Our starting place must be to look at God’s good design in creating man and woman. God had a specific and intentional design, which is good because God is Himself good in His nature. We will see that in God’s wisdom He designed man and woman distinctly and purposefully. And we will see that God designed marriage (His idea) specifically as between one man and one woman and that men and women have different roles in marriage.
Consider how the Christian and secular culture think differently about heterosexual marriage (between a man and a woman) – is it exclusive, backward and discriminatory, or purposeful, fulfilling and satisfying? Why not allow men to marry men or women marry women? Or as has come up more recently, why should marriage be just between two parties?
Or again, consider how secular culture views marriage negatively – why not cohabitate with no commitment? Why bind people together for life? Why not just stay together as long as we are happy? Failing which, why shouldn’t the relationship just end? More specifically, isn’t the Bible’s view of men and women with differing roles just oppressive? What does the equality of men and women mean?
These questions should cause us to disagree and fiercely. That’s because our underlying beliefs are deeply held, which makes for a conversation that is tense, frightening and hostile. The matter has become one of “us versus them” and dialogue feels impossible.
In this series, while we are not going to be able to answer all the questions poised by secular culture to Christians, we hope to lay out a clear, simple first premise to share God’s good designs: First, that God had a specific and intentional design for men,women and marriage. Second, that this design was and is good.
For the Christian reader – we hope the argument will at least prompt you to reflect on what has influenced your assumptions more – the Bible or secular culture?
For the non-Christian reader – we hope that these arguments, perhaps not persuasive to you, will give you an appreciation for the views of others. In the same way that Christians should never seek to eradicate those who disagree with them but learn to do so with respect, we hope the secular-minded similarly refrain from caricature and demonisation of the other. To that end, perhaps our shared society can regain some of the civic tolerance we have traded for mutual loathing.
(A) The Creation of Man and Woman: A Helper Fit for Him (Gen 2:1-23)
Genesis 2 details the creation of man and how man occupies a very different status over all the other works of creation (Gen 2:7). God here forms man by breathing into his nostrils the breath of life, which is an intimate and personal act. In contrast, the rest of creation is created by divine command.
It is also helpful for us to understand the context. Genesis 1 introduces God – the Uncreated One who makes all things. He stands over Creation and is not a part of it. He created everything from stars to the sun to the seas just by speaking. The Creator’s Word alone causes life to be. The earth and all that is in it is designed for habitability, and the account culminates in the creation of Man (the inhabitant) expressly made in God’s image. Nothing else in all creation has this honour. To him is given the mandate to rule over the earth and subdue it.
Central to this idea of the “imago Dei”, being made in the image of God, is being male and female, man and woman (Gen 1:26-27) as we learn from the beautiful triplet poem in the text. There is an equality and intrinsic dignity to being male and female human beings. Nothing that can take away that dignity, value, worth and holy personhood because God has bestowed it in His declaration. This is a central tenet of Christian anthropology: the sacred personhood and dignity of all human beings.
From Genesis 2:15-17, we see that Man is not to just rest in the garden and enjoy it. He is tasked to work and keep it. Work was a part of life before the Fall, and a part of the good that God has declared over it. Genesis 1 lays out a complementary statement about Man’s work – to image God as he works in the Garden as an obedient Son of the Father, and to multiply the image of God. Man is to work the Garden of God’s glory so that as it grows and as Mankind multiplies the image of God, the knowledge of God covers the earth like water over the sea. And Man must also guard this Garden from threats. This important mission is given uniquely to Adam, his work before the Fall. If Gen 2 describes Man as the working priest of the holy Garden temple, Gen 1 presents him as the prince regent of God’s Garden kingdom.
But Man’s work comes with a warning – he can eat from every of the thousands of trees except one. If he ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, or he would surely die. These first two chapters of the Bible show us a God who is a good Creator who is also a Legislator. He gives Man His Law and requires obedience. His Law are His rules and boundaries with consequences for disobedience. When we step outside of what He has ordained, serious consequences follow.
From Genesis 2:18-23, we read of the creation of Woman. The LORD God says surprisingly that it is not good that Man is alone (Gen 2:18). He will make a helper fit for the Man. Notice that while creation was declared by God, and only "very good” after the full humanity was made (Gen 1:31), it was not good that the Man was alone. This is the first mention of something being “not good” in the creation account. Why? In the view of the Triune God, the Man He made needed a complement – one like him yet unlike him. Like the day needs the night, the sun needs the moon, there is a complementarity built into all Creation. The Triune God who knows relationship and companionship, was preparing Another to reflect His own image in the world.
Notice also how it’s mentioned specifically that Man needs a helper fit for him. To fulfil the work mandate given him by God, to be blessed and multiply, to rule over creation and subdue it, Man could not be alone (Gen 1:28). An appropriate helper was needed. To learn this, Man witnesses the parade of animals God brings him in Genesis 2:22. He learns that – nothing is quite “like” him. The animals in their types come forward and are named but none are fit for him. Thus God creates Woman from Man’s own side, his equal and yet his fellow – both his helper and his mate.
How does God create Woman? In Genesis 2:22 God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep and takes a rib from him to make her. Like Man, God creates Woman Himself in a personal, sacred way, but the difference is she is taken out of Man to be what he is alongside him. While God could have spoken Woman into being, she is made from Man as his perfect counterpart. Moreover, the Hebrew word “helper” used for Woman is far from demeaning: “ezer” is a word used of holy God Himself full of dignity and glory (Ps 33:20).
Thus in Genesis 2:23, Adam erupts in song. “This at last” shows us that Adam responded with great joy. His waiting is over and he receives the Woman with great celebration. Adam declares that Woman is bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh – signalling the intimate unity and connection that Man and Woman share.
One like him, yet unlike him, is found. The not good has become very good. The principle reflects back to Genesis 1:26-27 – Woman like Man in equal sacred personhood and humanity; Woman unlike Man in difference of design. This is key.
In Genesis 2:24-25. we have God’s good design of the first marriage. Words uttered by God are now what we use in wedding liturgies. God conducts the first wedding as He presents the Bride to the Groom. Marriage is His idea and He brings it into being. In marriage, a Man is to leave his father and mother hold fast to his Wife and the two become one flesh. The act of leaving here shows us that man no longer belongs to his parents and comes into his own. In cleaving, he forms a new family as he joins to his wife. He does not cease to be a son, but he has become a husband with a new family distinct from his old one. To “hold fast” in the ESV is to be “united” in the NIV, which explains the one flesh union. This is a picture of intimate unity and exclusive commitment. One flesh union is key: Jesus Himself affirms it in Matthew 19:6 and reflects a deeper sacred reality.
Lastly, in Genesis 2:25 we see that Man and Woman were naked and unashamed. This is a picture of innocence, full vulnerability and intimate security. In contrast, after the Fall, even married couples have much to hide and be ashamed of as they struggle with trust. Like our first parents, our rebellion against God has broken our relationship with Him, and left a deficit in the heart that robs us of peace and the ability to trust one another. Sinners, even married ones, do not naturally open up to one another, and shame, hiding secrets or covering up our blemishes are the products of our sin against God and one another.
The Christian should celebrate the picture of God’s good design for marriage in Genesis 2: a one flesh union given for God’s purpose – not mere personal fulfilment, but a God-centered purpose to make Him known all over the earth and in which we find joy, intimacy and companionship. Is this how we see marriage?
Today, if we are honest, marriage has curved in on itself and taken a me-centred focus. God’s express purposes are far from our minds as our personal fulfilment takes centre stage. Genesis 2 challenges what secular culture proposes to us.
Man and Woman find their worth in the image of God (our personhood is an intrinsic part of who we are – we should embrace it). We are fearfully and wonderfully made by our Creator. In marriage, they are fully at peace with who they are and how they are known - though they are naked and completely exposed with nothing to hide – they are unashamed.
More fundamentally, have we relocated the worth and dignity of personhood somewhere else? Is a person’s worth (or yours) found in your work achievements, sexual conquests, or in love, power, money, etc? Is this a sustainable way to live? Or does it leave us more ashamed and purposeless, with much to hide?
We always think that secularism and modernity have competing answers for the big questions in life. But look closely, and it’s not hard to see the failures of the experiment. The more we reject what God has designed, the more we tear away at our very selves. Our personhood and value can never be self-made. Neither can intimacy and vulnerability be discovered by being well-adjusted. We need to be intimately known by our Creator, and have our Redeemer deal with our shame. Jesus came to deal with sin that has ruined our holy sense of self and filled us with shame. He can wash us whiter than snow. If that’s you, So if that’s you, know that Jesus came to bear your sin and shame so that you don’t have to. At the Cross, Jesus washes us clean and restores us to God if we will turn to Him in utter dependence.
(B) In Submission and Leadership, Marriages Image the Love of Christ (Eph 5:22-32)
The New Testament expands on Genesis and develops the Bible’s teaching on marriage and God’s design. In Ephesians 5:22, Paul first speaks to wives with the command to submit to their own husbands as to the Lord.
The instruction in Ephesians 5:22 is linked to Ephesians 5:23-24 through the word “for”, which tells us the reasoning. Ephesians 5:23-24 set this out: wives submit to their husbands because of his headship, which is compared to Christ’s headship over the church, which is his body and he is its Saviour. “Head” here means authority and leadership in the context of Ephesians (c.f. Eph 1:20-23, 4:15-16). This means that as far as possible, the husband is to lead and be responsible for the family and its well-being.
When we read this, we may instinctively think it’s a dangerous thing to say. The main complaint is that submission is dehumanising or tramples on personhood. Spousal abuse cases also come to mind. But recall God’s original design: head and help in one flesh union – very good. The abuses of this design are not an argument for the failure of the design. Moreover, consider Paul’s words carefully: Christian wives are to submit to their own husbands “as to the Lord”. All Christian submission is ultimately directed to God – while the scope is limited to the wife’s husband, the ultimate mandate comes from one’s relationship to her God. This also tells us that submission to a husband into sin or into something contrary to God’s word is outside of what Paul has in mind. It is the authority and leadership of Christ that is the prime motivation behind the Christian’s submission.
Submission means to yield to authority. But it is never demeaning –consider that Jesus Christ too submitted to His Father and His Head. Philippians 2:5-11 is helpful for us to consider what submission means and looks like. Christ’s own submission was a glorifying and meaningful act. It was compelled by love and humility for the glory of God.
Submission is often difficult because sinful human men and husbands are themselves not worth submitting to. We instinctively see that sinners are never safe to submit to and we reach for checks and balances. This is a reasonable conclusion when we consider the effects of sin that tarnish God’s good design for marriage. This leads us well into the next set of verses that also address what Christian husbands are called to.
Instructions to the husbands are given in Ephesians 5:25-30. Husbands are called to an even high standard. They are to love their wives like Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her so that He might sanctify her, cleanse her by the washing of water with the word, with the goal of presenting her to himself in splendour, without wrinkle or blemish (Eph 5:25-26). This is nothing less than loving self-denial of the highest order. Husbands must love their wives the Cross-centered way that Christ loves the church and died for her.
Practically, this means first, that husbands must love sacrificially and protect their wives. Her safety and well-being comes first. Christ’s love of the church is expressed clearly in His acts of sacrifice that protects the church from the consequences of sin. He left heaven itself, to come to a broken world to live and die on a Cross for the church. He gave up comforts and embraced shame and suffering to save the church. He did this so that the church could be presented to Him as a beautiful and holy bride. So that the church could be united with Him forever.
This is the most vivid picture of sacrificial love in all the Bible. This means that husbands must think, what must I give up for my wife? What must I sacrifice for her well-being? What does protecting and nourishing her mean even if it is at my expense? This good design is far from being self-centred and should be the furthest thing from the abuse of women. This kind of husband should be one entirely safe to submit to.
Husbands are called not just to sacrificial love, but also sanctifying love. They must lead their wives in holiness. Ephesians 5:25-27 focuses on her sanctification in the Word. This also means that a husband must minister to his wife and point her to the Word to build her up in holiness. The husband must ask, what must I do for my wife’s sanctification? How do I contribute to presenting holy and without blemish? How can I build her up and pour my time into her so that she grows in godliness and maturity?
In contrast from secular culture, Christian husbands should be less concerned with how much does my spouse earn or how domestically committed to raising children or being the “model wife”. Rather, they should be asking: what is her walk with God like? How can I be a part of making that better?
Husbands are called to a high standard in Ephesians. Reading both the instructions to wives and husbands together, we can see that submission isn’t demeaning or dangerous. Christian husbands are to be men of godly character whom their wives feel safe to submit to. This then is indeed a beautiful picture of marriage. The problem is that it sounds too good to be true – can a sinful man really be so sacrificial that his wife feels safe to submit to him? Can a sinful woman be so godly that she submits to her husband out of trust and faith in God?
We often see the broken design instead, even in Christian marriages. Many husbands are domineering, bullying, passive or selfish. Wives are proud, defiant, manipulative or discontented. Spouses compete for who is the most accomplished, who is most loved by the children and so on. They are not loving and caring and sacrificing. Instead, they are calculative and transactional. Husbands are not concerned with the holiness and development of their wives, and wives are discontented with their spouse’s lack of spiritual progress. Both spouses, even in the best of marriages, care just about what they can get out of marriage and focus on their own interests. In these waves, secularism and modernity have crept into our lives. As we stop pursuing God’s good and perfect design, we invite chaos and pain into our lives.
Ephesians 5 remind us that God has designed for marriages to function in a certain way. We have the keys to a successful marriage — looking at Jesus and the church, and reflecting that spiritual reality. Men are to look at what Christ has done in the Gospel, setting aside comforts for heaven, taking on frail humanity, in stepping into the brokenness of this world, taking up the painful Cross and dying a lonely death. From there, Christian men should reflect upon how we have been loved with a radical and immeasurably precious love. From there, men imitate the Man Christ Jesus, with the strength He supplies to love their wives in the same way as their own bodies (Eph 5:31, c.f. Gen 2:28-31). Christian women do the same as they consider the humble, loving response of the church to the One who paid our debt. They draw upon His resources for faith, trust and self-denial and submit to Him and the husband He has given.
In Ephesians 5:32, Paul says that human marriages point to a deeper a mystery (in the Greek - something yet to be revealed and disclosed, not something eternally unknowable) for there is much more to marriage than a cultural institution. In fact, marriage is modelled after Christ’s relationship to the church. Paul teaches that human marriage reflects Christ’s marriage with the church (not the other way around).
What does this mean for us? If you’re single, you’ve still had an experience with a marriage as part of Christ’s bride the church. If you’ve experienced a marriage that has broken down, or a negative relationship of your own – it can be lonely and painful. Know that in Christ, you have a spouse who loves and has sacrificed for His church. Know that you are deeply loved and cared for by Him. If you are dating or if you are married, this passage asks us if we are mindful of about God’s good design? Do we trust it? Or are we pursuing secular assumptions about gender, love and marriage?
For Christian women, are you growing character in direction of being a wife of godly submission to her husband? Have you rejected God’s design of marriage and submission for women?
For men, are you learning to love like Christ in your character? Are you sacrificial in your relationships or do you put yourself first? Are you a godly man capable of lead his wife? Or are you being led by the ways of this world into spiritual immaturity?
As we close, let us reflect on what we’ve read. Minimally, it should cause us to ask what our sources of instruction are – and what is influencing our worldview on this subject. What have you learnt about God and His good design from Genesis 2 and how should this affect our lives and relationships? What is find challenging about Ephesians 5? How does the gospel of Jesus Christ empower us to submit or sacrifice for others? What does this look like in your life?
Read a sharing done on this topic here.