In the previous study, we began our series by laying out the prerequisites of understanding God’s good design for gender. Genesis 1-2 depicts male and female human beings as two equal yet distinct holy persons created to reflect the image of God. Our anthropology is meant to reflect God’s nature. Gender isn’t just a state of being but is designed to point to God.
Similar, marriage is also God’s idea and of His design. From Ephesians 5, we saw how God designed our marriages with head and helper in one flesh union, living out sacrifice and submission in love ultimately as a mystery referring to Christ and the church. Which is the shadow? Earthly marriage. What is the real? Christ and the church. We need to get this order from Ephesians right.
In this study, we consider the issue of dating. Modern “dating” isn’t described in Scripture because it appeared relatively recently in human history. In 1896, the word is first referenced in the Chicago Record for the first time in an article by George Ade. Ade refers to a clerk called Artie whose girlfriend has started seeing other guys: “I s’pose the other bo’s fill-in’ all my dates”.
Modern dating evolved out of matchmaking (no choice of the individual) and courtship (some choice but always supervised), to modern dating (unsupervised, fully the choice of the individual). Essentially, modern dating eschews any supervision, and is a phenomenon purely of mutual attraction and compatibility. Not until the 1950s do we have the language of “going steady” or being in an exclusive relationship, around the time sex begins to become decoupled from marriage. Casual sex becomes much more widespread in the Sexual Revolution of the 1960s as the impulse of the moment unshackles attraction from long-term commitment. Today however, modern technology and dating apps are a means to help couples make the match.
The Bible doesn’t speak directly to modern dating. But there is plenty of wisdom for us to think about godly approaches to love, sex and marriage. The text we examine today is primarily about God’s unfolding plans and faithfulness shown to Abraham, not dating. Yet through Abraham, the nations will be blessed and identifying the right spouse for Isaac is key to the blessing perpetuating.
This study also presupposes for believers that our lives should not primarily be lived with self-actualisation as our chief aims. Our lives as believers should be governed by Scripture — whether in life or in death, we are the Lord’s. This is the starting point for every believer. Marriage, dating and relationships will never lead us to the fairy tale happy ending we long for. No human being will make the audition for the drama of our own self-actualisation. Depending on romantic partner to bring us happiness is to head down the path of relational destruction. No human being can bear the weight of our romantic desires and dreams.
(A) The Pre- of Godly Dating: Convictions about character & community (Gen 24:1-61)
In the Genesis context, happiness and redemptive blessing has burst into the world through the man Abraham for the world. Good news is coming into the world through Abraham and his family. But Genesis 24:1-9 lays out Abraham’s immediate fears. His son Isaac is without spouse, and he is determined that Isaac not marry the local Canaanites, nor should Isaac return to the land Abraham had left.
What’s wrong with marrying a Canaanite? What is so unique about marriage, that the right spouse for Isaac will affect God’s plans for blessing the world? On one hand, as we’ve seen from Ephesians 5, the Christian understanding of marriage is specific and God-centered in nature. If Isaac’s spouse is a idolatrous Canaanite and does not share his faith, their marriage will have a radically different tone and purpose. Moreover, Abraham did not understand marriage as merely a matter of life’s circumstances. Marriage is the one flesh union that deeply affects a person, and how they live their lives as a result. Can Isaac continue on God’s blessing plans if his faith is affected? How then will the good news reach the nations? If the Canaanites are joined to Abraham’s line by marriage and not by repentance and faith, how will they know God’s truest blessings?
Abraham was insistent that Isaac not return to his homeland. If Isaac went, all that Abraham had done by faith to leave and go out as God had commanded would be reversed. This is not an issue of mobility. Rather it is a commitment to live out and follow through in God’s promises to move forward and not look back. There was no option to relocate to the land of idolatry that God had delivered them from, not even for a little while. (c.f. Gen 24:7) That from which God has brought them out from — they must never return to. See how important Abraham’s relationship with God was to him. He could not conceive of a family mixed outside of God’s covenant, or to return to the life he had before God called him.. This is the OT expression of the song, “I have decided to follow Jesus”.
However Abraham lays out other actions that are acceptable: if an unsuitable woman was found, the servant was allowed to return. Nonetheless, his instructions reflect deep confidence that God will provide for His own covenant blessing to move forward into the next generation.
Abraham’s servant, himself a man of faith, arose and went out to Abraham’s homeland, and camped by the local well (Gen 24:10-11). At the well, the place where women came to draw water, he acknowledged God in prayer and committed his mission. Notice how he wasn’t just sitting by and waiting idly. He was not so spiritual that he did no planning or reasoning. Rather he went out to the place and time of highest chance of success. And yet he was prayerful.
The servant knew both his master’s command, and his master’s God. He would have known of the divine promises made to Abraham, as well as God’s character, and how to pray (Gen 24:12-13). Notice his prayer — what does he prioritise? In the design of the search criteria, the servant prioritises the character of the woman: kind, hospitable, and helpful. The woman he asks God for should be attentive to meet needs, sacrificially helpful and active in humble service of others.
Does godly character matter to you in dating? Is character what you look for? If not, why not? Last week, we learnt about God’s design for marriage. One application should be for dating Christians to begin with prayerful asks for spouses of godly character appropriate to God’s design for husband and wives. Would this not revolutionise our dating lives? Men should pray for a wife who would help them lead, and help them be what God has called husbands to be. Women should pray for godly husbands that they can trust and submit to, and be a help to. Surely our churches, families and dating culture would change if we seriously prayed for godly character? I challenge you to pray and ask God to help us be attracted to godly character and deliver us from attraction to persons of bad character. Do we dare ask God to remove from our lives and circles those who would ruin us in dating? Or, we can pray as the servant did, to the God of steadfast love, and ask Him to grant, if He wills, a spouse kind, hospitable and helpful in character.
When encountering the woman’s family in the middle of the chapter, Abraham’s servant recounts the episode to them and what his purposes are. His main goal is to tell them how his master’s God has provided. Recognise God’s sovereign hand in this matter! His master’s God is a promise making and promise keeping God, and He has been the one to make the servant’s way straight. Instead of pointing out the excellencies of mutual compatibility and how they’re made for each other, he looks to the sovereignty of God.
Rebekah’s family, of like faith, recognise God’s hand in the matter as well based on the response in Genesis 24:50. There is an awareness that this is indeed what God has done. This is critical in a patriarchal culture as the permission of the family was necessary for a match. While we may consider this an oppressive practice of patriarchalism let us consider: are there any benefits to involving the community affirm if this is of the Lord or not? These could include: helping to identify blind spots, encouraging transparency and accountability in the relationship, or incubating the relationship to maturity. Moreover, faith communities through the church would be best placed to remind a couple of what marriage is ultimately about/for.
Of course there are drawbacks of involving the community as well. If the community is not mature, they may offer unhelpful or even hurtful advice. Some may interfere, intervene or presume to speak authoritatively which could lead to more hurt. If the community is lacking in wisdom and acts too zealously it could damage the relationship or even divides the community.
So how should we think about the role of the community? It depends on how one understands dating in the first instance. Critically, if one is seeking a person of godly character, a church community can be a valuable resource and enabler for success. However, the moment we distort what dating is and prioritise worldly compatibility, church communities can seize upon unhelpful observations. But the real question is – are we more willing to take the risk of involving others in the mix, or is it more risky for dating to be an entirely private affair?
And what have we asked the community to do? In Genesis 24, we see the community affirming the working of God in the life of this couple, which is perhaps the most useful insight of all. Is God sanctioning this relationship? If in the first instance we not seeking God’s good purposes for marriage by prioritising godly character, involving the community is moot.
Furthermore, if we are not cultivating godly relationships in community as Scripture teaches us to us to, who is this community that is supposed to magically appeal when we need them anyway?
Our text suggests that individual choice should actually play a much more limited role than we may imagine. Look at Genesis 24:53-61. Rebekah’s choice is almost minimal until the question of when to go is offered her to decide. The servant argues that because God has ordained these events, his return should be swift and immediate. The family puts up a fight for various reasons. But interestingly enough, Rebekah says that she will go now likely the expression of her faith as she agrees with the servant’s argument – this is of God and she affirms that. Those words in Genesis 24:58 are so powerful — “I will go”. In the context of Genesis, this willingness to leave her father’s house and go is an echo of faith in a Genesis 12:1 sense of the patriarch Abraham. The faith and character of this woman are admirable.
What do we learn from all this? In a culture steeped in individualism and in the dredges of sovereign personal choice, many of us are buckling from the personal choices we have made and find ourselves not equipped to make the choices for ourselves. This is not to say that we should not make choices. But if in our hearts we are so self-sovereign and individualistic to date and find a compatible spouse and that burden rests with you alone with no one else to shoulder that load, it could crush you. That burden is terribly heavy to bear.
Proverbs 18:1-2 speaks to our sinful tendency to isolate ourselves and thus break out against all sound judgment. We think that we are just living our own lives, making our own decisions but Proverbs 18 cautions us against the kind of individualism that can cripple us. Are we open to considering how God has providentially placed others around us to expose our blind spots and see what we cannot see? Are we humble enough to receive insight on options that are bad for us?
Biblical Christianity demands that whether we live or die, we are the Lord’s. If we are faithful to it, then why does it feel like all our choices are borne by us only? Shouldn’t they be partially borne by those whom God has placed around us? And, what does it look like? I invite you to consider the hard work of thinking about what it looks like in your context and situation.
(B) The During of Godly Dating: Joyful modesty guided by wisdom (Gen 24:62-67, Prov 5:15-23)
Rebekah follows the servant back home and we see how Isaac and Rebekah first meet and interact (Gen 24:62-67). While the it is not a manual for dating, the narrative shows us how this woman finds her way into the covenant of blessing and how godly character responds to God’s work of providence. Perhaps that’s a better way of thinking about dating – a response to God’s providential leading in relationships. There are a lot of lessons we can draw from here. We’ve already spoken about character and community, and now we will see how it ends.
Isaac was meditating in the fields and behold, he lifted up his eyes and saw camels approaching. Rebekah too, lifted up her eyes, dismounted from the camels and enquired about the man that caught her attention. When she discovers it is Isaac whom she will marry, she puts on her veil.
The narrative seems understated and spartan in its description and without the thought and emotional interior for context. But what comes out in these short verses? First, the providence of God. The two look at one another and instantly we see there is attraction. The language of eyes lifted and the attention exchanged, the mutual interest tell us so. Both are curious to know the other. This is the Scripture’s way of presenting budding love — humble and modest.
Notice what happens when she discovers Isaac’s identity. The word “so” suggests actions performed because of what she realises. She knew that she had come all this way for him. And again, we see something of the character of Rebekah. Knowing that this was the man she was to marry, she covered her face. There is a glory in concealing yourself for the appropriate time. There is a beauty in taking time to know the other appropriately time and gradually. That is the joy we sometimes forget in a world of efficiency-based dating apps. The more you disclose about yourself, you more you find the other person disclosing themselves, and mutual self-disclosure drives romance and grows intimacy.
It is also the joy of marriage. As the two become one flesh, they continue to grow in that mutual self-giving and self-disclosure. See the beauty and glory God has designed, and the profoundness of this mystery — that Christ of heaven and the church of earth now united in covenant delight in mutual self-giving. As a church our highest joy is to know more of Christ and to grow in our knowledge of Him. As we do so, we find more excellence and loveliness and glory and beauty in Him. He is our Beloved and the apple of our eye, even as we are His. That is the love story that all love stories point to.
We should view dating in this light. Godly dating should be marked by joyful modesty guided by wisdom. How bizarre then, is most of our dating, where we act immodestly as if we are already married, and try to short-circuit that process of self-disclosure by rushing physical intimacy or failing to prize the personhood of the other. Christians must be keenly aware that commitment precedes intimacy at every level, and that there is a time to veil and a time to unveil.
In this study, we have seen how God provides for this family of faith and how Isaac received a spouse. God has been the one working to bring things together and orchestrates events as they unfold. Isaac’s wife must be of the same faith, not of the Canaanites, and out of godly character, she comes with the servant to be with Isaac. We have seen how important character and community are in this process. In His providence, there is instant attraction and mutual love between Isaac and Rebekah.
What does this mean for us? How has this texted confronted your preceding views on dating and marriage? What influences have you allowed to shape and form those views? What are the other voices, models and influences that shape what you find attractive? Physical attraction? Socio-economic status? Other forms of compatibility?
Let us be ruthless in self-examination, especially when it comes to what is discipling and influencing our choices in dating. How should the Christian think distinctively about dating – its purpose and risks – and what choices have you made when it comes to dating? May the Lord lead us in wisdom to consider His will.